Sharp inhale cuts through ominous silence.
There are lots of words coming up ahead, but I think it is time I don’t just stir them around in the steaming pot functioning as my brain. It’s been a while since writing a longer post about what is… in here? When I was an awkward teen I had a blog which I ended because of a childish feud with people who constantly treated me like shit. That one time I stomped my foot down it was over, I moved away from that piece of site, but I still have it because the courage was never part of my system to delete it. There are good memories in there.
When I was younger, was a little more careful with my time, I wrote tantalizingly well. Now? I still do, hah, like I’m going to belittle the skills I have (I will do that a lot though). I have a really great novel idea.
And there I have a document titled “Wind” on my laptop.
As an opening post, this is going in a lot of directions, but please, hold on, I will try to expand my universe for you.
Growing up I learned using emotions and expressing them as best as I could. And I think this blog will be in the similar manner. Coherence will be tossed aside, the words will flow from my fingers to your eyes like an endless stream of blue spring water. Yikes, was that too corny? Anyway, about “Wind” ….
Have you ever been caught up with so many intense emotions, your heart was bursting at the seams and your mind roared like mythical greek tunder? That is what Wind is. Translating it wouldn’t give back what I felt at the time, but as a summary…
I’m an incredibly emitonal girl – shocking, I know -, actually, I classify as a woman now, right? Approaching 21 (USA legal drinking age here I come), I have a job, friends, stability and I guess, what most people would call freedom.
But there’s an incredibly strong wind of loneliness entwining with that freedom.
See, WIND again. It comes and goes. I love the wind, because it brings things towards me (or tries to push me off a sidewalk like today’s incredibly foul weather) and also motivates me to go forward, with or against it, doesn’t really matter.
Wind is about… me?
The story, or whatever this burst of emotions can be described as, starts with myself, facing unknown yet familliar mountans. I lay in the grass, watching the spring sky churn and turn dark as the weather changes – and I was in love with it. Despite the cold that attacked my body, I felt so hot – love, I guessed to myself.
And there comes the Wind and it has a face and a smile so warm I forget that everyting is upside down. I remember being overwhelmed with love – something I will be really keen about in the upcoming posts.
And then I was dragged down the mountain. The grass was screaming and bruising my back as I was pulled over rocks and stopped in a clearing. I’ve never had this happen to me in real life, but when I started literally punching the letters it felt so strong I nearly cried from the pain. (Okay, back to Wind, less creepy, sorry)
So the clearing wasn’t exactly empty. It had tall, laughing old trees. I don’t know what trees symbolized for me at that time, but I knew their intention was to torture this written-self-of-mine and I was afraid, frozen in time. And that’s when they noticed me. The trees gathered around me, grabbed and pulled, laughing and singing a song so vile, nightmarish.
This was the first and the last time I wrote something coming this strong from my soul.
And then they put me to flames and I burned. When the words about how I turned to ash were written down on this document I felt anew. Free. But then I flew up to the mountains again and met the Wind. The Wind became my only solace, my heart’s desire and we combined int something… Something much stronger.
So yeah, that was a whole lot of weird words.
But this is how I express myself! Incredibly cryptic and poetic – with a hint of corny.
Besides this, as I mentioned before, I am a female, 21 and very, very Eastern-European (if you havent heard of Goulash we can’t be friends, haha). My family is very small, my parents divorced when I was 11ish (don’t worry there will be posts about this, hehe) and my relationship with my father and his side of my family is nonexistent. My mom is a very hard working and loving person, but I never idolized her because she asked me to be wise and work for my own life, learn from her mistakes.
I’m currently attending unversity – just (not) ready to wrap up my second semester. I work at a multinational company (a very tiny position but we all gotta start somewhere). Studying economics/management is what I decided will be good for myself – still gotta decide if that will be my line or not. I know a little bit of Japanese (anime phase, yikes) and just now started German again (English is a self taught skill I guess).
One thing I have to be exact about is – my heart is a mess. Completely. But this will unravel un the upcoming posts. My goal is to post once-twice a week and extra posts will arrive whenever I’m extremely upset about something and have to release a huge burst of emotions again. Maybe I’ll write something like Wind again, heh.